For the past week, I've had a hard time preparing for and figuring out what and how to present a talk on the Taoist philosophy on time. I left Taoist time behind at the doorsteps of the our society last night. I realize that it's time for some Saturday fun instead. But somehow, it seems that time won't leave me alone. What can I do but have my own back at that ambiguous subject which we all seem to know only too well but which on reflection find that we really don't. So here's my revenge on the time I spent on "Time" for one whole week.
1. Who’s Calling?
One day the Air Traffic Control Tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, “What time is it?”
The duty officer responded, “Who is calling?”
aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The duty officer replied “Sir, it makes a huge difference:
1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”
2. What Time is it?
Blonde : Excuse me, what time is it right now?
Man : It’s 11:25PM.
Blonde : You know, it’s the weirdest thing,
I’ve asked that question thirty times today,
and every time someone
gives me a different answer.
3. Social time
A social worker asks a colleague: “What time is it?”
The other one answers: “Sorry, don’t know, I forgot my watch today"
The first one: “Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.”
4. What Time?
A man who had been driving all night decided to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of
sleep.He chose what appeared a quiet street. No sooner had he
settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He
looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “7:15.”
jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just
dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
The jogger said thanks and left.
the man could see other joggers passing by. To avoid being disturbed again put a sign in his window saying, “I do
not know the time!” and went back to sleep.
Just as he was just dozing off, there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 7:45!
5. Timely advice
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed .
"Dino, I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino. Some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to yah watch and say, “times up?"
6. Asking for Time in Tibet
A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet.
While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was.
Looking down at his wrist, the man realized he had left his watch in the hotel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally find an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
“Excuse me,” the husband says, “could you tell us the time?”
“Absolutely”, replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey’s balls. “It is 3:00″, the man exclaims.
“Thank you” replies the wife.
After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat, the couple return to the old man for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: “It is now 4:45.”
The husband is completely amazed.
“Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey’s balls!”
“Certainly,” the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer.
“Sit here where I am,” the man begins. “Now, do you see the donkey’s balls?”
“Of course”, the man replies. “Now reach down and take them into your hand.”
Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed thinking this could prove to be an enlightening experience.
“Now, slowly lift the donkey’s balls”, he continues.
Again the husband does as he is instructed.
“Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs.”
The husband does just that.
“Now” the man says, “can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?”
Now that I've wasted enough of everyone's precious weekend time, it's time to go out and have some real fun. Happy weekend.