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2011年9月3日 星期六

Fun for a Gloomy Saturday

When I looked out the window this morning, all I could see were fog and mists and an overcast sky. But it's Saturday! Here's a little something to help lift the fog over our moods. 

1.   Communication

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long suspected a relationship between the two. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote his mother : "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."

The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."


2.  More Communication


It was Friday night. Joseph and his wife, Natalie, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and were now giving each other the silent treatment, vowing not to be the first one to speak.

However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always woke up at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am for golf with his friends. Not wanting to lose the battle of wills, Joseph wrote on a piece of paper, "Natalie, please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9:00am, having missed the golf game with his friends. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bedside table.

It read: "Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."


3.    The Fare

A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver's seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.

Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."    


4.    
The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived.

The question is: Who was the survivor?











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place anyway. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. (Women, that is the end of the joke, stop reading. Men, scroll down)














So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, that means the perfect woman must have been driving. Which explains why there was an accident in the first place. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.


5.      For Women Only

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." This isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." Wanting to do better and knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are leaving the elevator when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they're missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


6.      Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, having spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison broke out. He broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman. It appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong, I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too!"


Have an enjoyable weekend, fog or no fog, storm warning or no storm warning!