Saturday Fun about Affairs

Saturday again. About a week ago, I attended a big wedding with two banquets at two different places. I felt sorry for the young couple. They had to rehearse and rehearse every detail of the ceremony to make sure that it went "perfectly", running along the catwalk with the long lower portion of wedding gown trailing behind them in a darkened hall with laser light beaming here, there and everywhere, with a tired mechanical smile on their faces, clinking their wine glasses in criss-crossed arms, gingerly cutting the wedding cake, making speeches and playing games with guests about intimate details of their personal life and shaking so many hands and smiling their weddding planner's stipulated "ideal" smile so many times that they'd probably get muscular cramps. Marriage has now become a show, a postmodern "spectacle"! They felt so relieved when everything was over. But they've got a long way to go. I wish them all the best.  When I returned to Hong Kong, splashed all over the pages under bold newspaper headlines were lurid details about the "forgiven" marital "infidelity" of one of the candidates for our next CEOs.  Perhaps time for a bit of fun about this human frailty. You bet there'll be more than one or two about this most favourite sport for both parties to the marital union. One each day for the rest of the week.

1

 A married man went to her secretary's place. They made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep.
When they woke up, it was already 8 p.m. In the greatest hurry, the man grabbed  his trousers and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.   
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded."I can't lie to you," he replied,"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

2

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant. She delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father couldn't wait to rush to the nursery. When he arrived, he was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever laid eyes on.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

 3

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you. You won't believe it" he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My Goodness!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


 4

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,"the Davis family bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said. They went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Davis house and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 5

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 6

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

7

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is all yours.”  
 Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."