Saturday Fun

Time flies. Saturday again. Fun Time again. I just heard a talk on the Buddhist concepts of Nirvana and Samsara (the Cycle of Death and Rebirth) and had described to me last night the horrors of the 18 strata of Buddhist Hell.  Certainly time for something much lighter. So here they are.

1    Flapping flag

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on
the roof started flapping.

The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "The flag is
flapping"

A more experienced monk said: "The wind is flapping"

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "The mind is
flapping."

The fourth monk who was the eldest said: "The mouths are
flapping!"

 

2    Thanks

A Thai paratrooper in training in America was
scared to jump.

His Thai instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha'
and you will be saved."

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said,
"Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.

He said, "Thank God!" He was instantly dropped.

 

3    Wise

A pilot was flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, "Bow Tie Tsang"  and a hippie.

Suddenly the pilot announced to his three passengers: "I have bad news for
you. The plane is going to crash. We have to bail out now. Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot,
and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good
luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.

Having heard that, "Bow Tie Tsang" and wanting to do his job well , wasted no time in saying,  :
"Since the fate of Hong Kong hangs upon the wisdom of what I do or fail to do,  I am also going to take a parachute and save
myself." And with that, he leapt out of the plane.

The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful
life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining
parachute." "Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the
parachute on to the lama's back. "The man upon whose wisdom the fate
of Hong Kong depends just strapped himself into my backpack."

 

4    Oranges

There's this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche and
Zen master Seung Sahn:

The two monks entered with swirling robes - maroon and yellow for the Tibetan,
austere gray and black for the Korean - and were followed by retinues of
younger monks and translators with shaven heads ...

The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala) with one hand
while murmuring, 'Om mani padme hung,' continuously under his breath. The Zen
master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at
his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then
bellowing, 'Keep that don't know mind!' at them, reached deep inside his robes
and drew out an orange. 'What is this?' he demanded of the lama. 'What is
this?'

This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on
whatever response he was given.

The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.

'What is this?' the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's
nose.

Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him who was serving
as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes.
Finally the translator addressed the room: 'Rinpoche says, What is the matter
with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?'

 

5    Master and
Pupil

Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"

Upon which the pupil replies: "To whom are you telling that?"

 

6     The Pope, Sai
Baba and the Dalai Lama

It was a beautiful day along the coast, quiet, sunny and warm. The Pope, Sai
Baba and the Dalai Lama had decided to take a day off from their heavy duties and rented a boat for a joy ride.

A couple hours pass.. Then Sai Baba spots a vegetarian restaurant on the beach. "Hey, I'm dead hungry. I'm off for a big meal". He
jumps from the boat and quickly steps across the water. The Dalai Lama goes:
"Great, I'm in." jumps from the boat, runs across the water to land, where Sai Baba is
already ordering.

The Pope stands a little behind, having never walked on water. But if those two
non-Christians can do that, it should be no problem for him. He jumps the boat,
goes "plop", and disappears.

Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama, enjoying their freshly prepared meal, watch the
scene.

Dalai Lama: "That didn't look good."

Sai Baba: "No, we really should have told him about those underwater
stepping stones."

Dalai Lama: "Stepping stones???"

 

7    Crossing the
river

Gautama Buddha saw one
of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges river. Upon
inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to
become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few
pennies and said: "Why don't you seek passage with that boatman. It is
much easier."

 

8     A noble one?

A lay Buddhist prepared a meal
and some offerings for a monk who he expected to be a noble one and invited to
his home. On the way back, he watched the monk closely.     They passed by a drainage ditch, and the monk jumped over
it.

The man thought to himself: "This fellow can’t be a noble one. How can an Arahant jump? I will offer him only a meal to
him but not the gift ”.


Further on, they have to pass a small stretch of water. This
time, the monk carefully skirted around it and they crossed. The man was suspicious about the
change in the monk’s behaviour, so he asked: “Venerable, the first time you jumped over the ditch, but this time you did
not… why?”                                                                                 The monk
answered: “Dear donor, if I were to jump this time, you wouldn't even give
me a meal.”

 

9     Peace of mind

The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at
the Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of
the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the
head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the
tortoises gone! He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the
tortoises?”

“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was,
like, Whoosh!”

10      Doing nothing

A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a
blessing for my new house?”

The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”

“What are you doing? Can I help?”

“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business
and you can’t help me with that.”

So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for
a blessing?”

“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.

“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.

“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"