Saturday Fun on the Afterlife

The past week has been spent writing up about what I read and heard about death and nirvana. Boy, it's really back breaking work trying to find out first the the English translations and then the relevant stories associated with the large number of names of people long dead and gone which appear in the various Chinese classical texts referred to in the blog articles. Certainly time for something much easier and rather lighter! So here they are.

                                                      1

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

 "Man, how come you're here?" the first man asks the second man,

 "I froze to death," says the second.

  "That's awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, you get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

" I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in the act but found her alone watching television. I looked in the closet. There was nothing. I looked under the bed. There was nothing. I looked behind every door and even the garden shed and even the barn. There was nothing. Finally, I tried to climb up the stairs to the attic.  I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's really awful," he says. "

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

 "Had  you stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"    

                         
                                                      2

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my
 congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."


"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."


                                                                                                    3


Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."


"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied God, and POOF! The guy was gone.

"And what do you want to be," God  asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied God, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and God sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

                                                   
                                                      4

Three buddies die in a car and go to heaven for an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!'"

                                                                                                  
                                                     5


Three persons arrive at heaven and St. Peter greets them before the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven. We have just one last thing to do before you enter. Are you ready for your last test?"


The first person says, "I've prepared for this moment for 73 years."


"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'God'."


"G-O-D."


"Very good, enter your eternal reward."


The second person says, "Well, that was easier than I thought; I'll take my test now."


"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'love'."


"L-O-V-E."


"Excellent, enter your eternal reward."


The third person, a lawyer, says, "Boy, is _this_ is gonna be a snap. Give me my test."


"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."

                                                                           
                                                        6

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter "R" ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

                                                         7

Three men died in a car accident and met God in heaven.

"I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth you will enter heaven, but if you lie ... hell is waiting for you," God told them.

To the first man God asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."

God replied, "Very good!  Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation."

To the second man God asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "I cheated on my wife twice."

God replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW."

To the third man God asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "I cheated on my wife about eight times."

God replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple of hours later, the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I just saw my wife riding a skateboard!"



Have a nice Weekend!