Christmas Jokes

Christmas is over. Really?  If so, why are all those reindeers, Christmas trees, white fleece-snow, balloons, and color metallic balls, tinsels and ribbons etc  still around all the shopping malls?  And perhaps even the jokes?

1.   Christmas In my Heart

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year.
Thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

2.  Santa and the little girl

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

3. Boys and Grandma

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
 At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW I-Phone 5..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Hey, why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf !." 
His little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

4. Christmas in the Courtroom

It was Christmas and the magistrate was in a merry mood.
He leaned over and asked the accused “Why did they bring you here?”
“For doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the accused.
“That’s no offense,” said the magistrate "but when and where did you do your shopping?".
“Before the store opened,” countered the accused.



5. Three Wise Men

Q: Why weren’t there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men.

6. Teacher & Pupil

Teacher: If I have 20 cents and ask Ebenezer Scrooge for another 30 cents, how much will I have?
Pupil: 20 cents, teacher!
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don’t know Scrooge!


7. The 3 stages of man

1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.


8. Santa Claus is a woman!

Santa Claus can't be a man. Here's why:

The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and then only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men don't ever want to be seen in the company all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men can't be bothered with stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


9. All You Needed to Know About Life you can learn from Santa

    Encourage people to believe in you.
    Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
    Don’t pout.
    It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
    Some days it’s OK to feel a little chubby.
    Make your presents known.
    Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
    Bright red can make anyone look good.
    Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
    If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
    Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say: “HO, HO, HO!”

So "HO, HO, HO and a happy new year to you all!"