Saturday Jokes.

There is no doubt that from the dawn of human civilization, religion has been an important part of human life. For close to 1500 years in Europe, no emperor has been crowned without a bishop or a pope and no government could long survive without the assistance of the Church. However at the end of the 19th century, God was pronounced dead by Nietzsche. Perhaps that may be one of the reasons why there are now more jokes about religion. Here are some that I found on the internet.

1.

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their habits because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.

Half hour later, the door bell rings while their habits are slumped over the pews of the huge chapel.

"Who is it", one of them asks.

"The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns open the door.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

 

2.

Two nuns were cycling down a cobbled street.

The first one said, "I've never come this way before".

The second one replied "Must be the cobbles!"

 

3.

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asked the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"OK. Put some of this holy water from the font on your eyes first and then you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Then St. Peter asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, well, eh…once I held a man's penis," she stuttered .

"OK. Now wash your hand in this holy water in the font and then you may enter," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

St. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line before Sister Mary?"

She said, "Because I certainly don’t want to gargle after she sits in it!"

 

4.

A prostitute had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"

One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. The Preacher said that he too had two male parrots but all they ever did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they might be a good influence on her parrots. So they put the four parrots together

The females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"

One male parrot then said to the other, "Put the Bibles away now ! We've made it to heaven!"

 

5.

Owing to population explosion,  heaven is beginning to fill up . So St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter.

Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get in.

 "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man.

"Three, " he answers.

The trumpets sound. The gates open and the first man enters.


"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man.

"Forty days and forty nights." He answers.

Trumpets sound. The gates open and the second man enters.


Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks about having a much more difficult question than that for the second man. After a while, he asks the third man: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says.

The trumpets blow. The gates opens. The third man enters.

 

6.

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day. So he asked the deacon to stand in as the confessor for a short while.  The deacon agreed.

The first person that came said, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned...."

The deacon asked "What have you done, son."

"I have just given a guy a blow job."

He looked at the sheet on the wall that had a list of penance for certain sins written out on it but "blow job" was not within that list.

So he went out to ask one of the altar boys what the head priest usually gives for a "blow job."

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."


7.

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of
the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

 "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

 "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, screaming wildly. His wife and St. Peter both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"