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2014年3月15日 星期六

Saturday Fun

Went to an excellent concert last night by one of the best guitarists around: John McLaughlin, accompanied by 3 other excellent musicians, forming what's officially called a "4th Dimension". Guitarists are often a wild bunch and jokes abound around them. Here're some guitarist jokes


Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

 Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unision?
 A: Shoot One.

Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.


Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they both suck.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None-- they just steal someone else's light OR one to change the bulb and 4 to watch him and say "I can do better than that." OR only one-- but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?
A: 5-- One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q: How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q: What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q: Why do guitarists have to be awake by six o'clock?
 A: Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q: Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.


Q: What do you do if your rhythm guitarist is drowning?
A: Throw him his amp.

Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless…

Q: How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What do you call in “in-tune electric guitar?”
A: An oxymoron.

Q: What do you tell a guitarist that is freaking out?
A: Don’t fret.

Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise …”

Q: What is the first sign you’re hallucinating?
A: Two guitar players are playing in tune.

Q: What’s the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitar player with a business card or one with a mortage

Q: What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
A: Big Mac and large fries please!

Q: How long does a guitar stay in tune?
A: About twenty minutes, or until someone plays it.

Q: Why was the amplifier invented?
A: So the guitarist would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What did the blues guitarist’s tombstone read?
A: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”

Q: How can you tell when an electric guitar is out of tune?
A: The strings are vibrating.

Q: What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A: Depends on how far you throw it.

Q:  What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A:  Strung out!

Q : What is a gentleman?
A:  A guitarist who can play fusion but doesn’t.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: Why bury guitarists six feet under?
A: Because deep down they are very nice people.

Q: How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What’s the difference between an Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A: The Electric Guitar burns longer.


Johnny : “Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
Mom:      “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

I suppose that'll do for this week. Have fun listening to some guitarists who actually got CD's under their own name this week. But be prepared for some tough leg work.

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