National Funtime

Last night I attended a talk on how new Confucianism may provide a basis for Chinese democracy by Professior Ng Ming during which he cited some witticisms by Gu Hongming, Tomson (辜鴻銘), (1857-1928), a formidable Fukinese Ching scholar who read and spoke fluent English, German, French, Latin and Greek and later taught at Beijing University.  He told us that Gu had made some remarks about the so-called "national character" of the people of four nations which he thought quite interesting. Gu said Americans are broad-minded, simple but not deep; the English are deep, simple but not broad-minded; the Germans are broad-minded, deep but not simple and the French has got neither German depth, American broad-mindedness, nor English simplicity but has the sensitivity which these three people lack but that the Chinese has all such qualities. I don't know about that. If they have, somehow, it doesn't show amongst the Chinese that I see around in Hong Kong or in the PRC. Whatever the truth may be, there's nothing to stop me from having some fun about various nationalities. So here they are:

1.    China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.
      China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
      Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
      Poland says they'll go to the Sun.
      Russia and China warn that they'll melt.
      They reply, "We'll go at night."

2.    How do Germans tie their shoes? With little knot-sies!


  
3.    Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair
       when it starts to rain.
        "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining."
        "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it."
        "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
        "I didn't think it would rain."


4.      A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico.
        The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and
         grape jews!”



5.      What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish
         wedding?
         One less drunkard.


6.      At first I was surprised the Holocaust happened. And then I
         watched German Porn.

7.      Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to
          stop shaving!

But there is more. It's about two cows.

America:    You have two cows.

                  One is stupid. The other disagrees with its ideal.
                  It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for
                  the rest of its life with no trial. The other

                  is elected president

Britain:      You have two cows.

                  Both of them are mad from foot and mouth disease

Canada:       You have two cows.

                   On cold winter nights, you sleep between them.

                   Then you wonder why you smell funny.

China:     You have two cows.
              You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
            employment, high bovine productivity and arrest
            the journalist who reported the true number.

Cuba:  You have two cows.
           You leave one with your family and take the other to
           Florida in a leaky boat.
          The cow makes it but you drown.
          The cow faces months of legal wrangles and publicity
           before being deported.

Germany:   You have two cows.

                  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
                  eat once a month and milk themselves.

Greece:     You have two cows.

                 You claim subsidy from the EU for 400.

                 Your first cousin does the same.

                 When the EU inspectors come around, you shift
                  your 400 from cousin to cousin.

                 From the subsidy, you open a little hotel and drink ouzo
                 all day while you wife runs it.

Hungary:   You have two cows.

                 One gives nothing but sour milk.

                 You sell it to your brother without telling him.

Ireland:     You have two cows.
                  One is Catholic, the other Protestant.
                  You keep them in separate fields. Occasionally, they
                   bite each other across the fence. Neither produces
                   milk probably because hatred inhibits milk production.

Israel:       You have two cows. You insist that they be pastured on
                  a Palestian farm at no cost. One day, to feed his
                  starving family, he milks them before you can. You
                  demand the government to imprison him and build a
                  police outpost so your cows can be watched.                 

Italy:        You have two cows.

                 But you don't know where they are.

                 You break for lunch.

Jamaica:    You have two cows.

                  Whoa! Catch that sucker before he jumps over the
                   moon.
                  No...wait...he's just rollerskating. Wait a minute, are
                  cows supposed to be purple and look like Bob Marley?
                  Oh, forget it, pass the pipe.
.

Japan:     You have two cows.
               You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of
             an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk and
             then produce clever cartoon images called Cowkimon and
             then market them worldwide.

Mexico:      You have two cows.

                Wait a minute...are they cows? Never mind.

                You take a siesta.


New Zealand:     You have two cows.
                          The one on the left is kinda cute and it bleated.
                           Wait, it's really a sheep!

Palestine:             You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at
                          the Israeli police.
                                  You use a time bomb inside the other and send
                           it to an Israeli market place.
                                  When both cows die, you blame the Jews.

Russia:             You have two cows.

                        You count them and learn that you have got 42.

                        You count them again and learn that you have 12.

                        You stop counting them and open another bottle
                         of vodka.

Spain:              You have two cows.
                        You stick horns on to them and have men prance
                         around them in a clown's outfit in an arena and
                         throw spears into them until the cows bleed to
                         death.

Sweden:          You have two cows.

                       You bought one from IKEA and assembled them
                        yourself.

                       The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don't look as
                        trendy.

Switzerland:    You have two cows.
                        None of the others belong to you. You charge the
                        others for storing them and if they give milk,
                        you tell no one.


Enjoy your weekend!