Jokes on Liars

These days it's real larks to hear day after day the kind of "truths" flowing effortlessly from the mouths of those at the top of our government who promised us prosperity and happiness once they step into their posts of power. But I have lived long enough not to be surprised any more. Well, we can hardly say they are alone in doing what they did.

1. 

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read chapter 17 of Mark''.

The following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read chapter 17 of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no chapter 17 in Mark.''


2.

A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied: "I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just got a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room.

He paused at the door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to mon ?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the Lord ever made. See, I'm not married at all."


3.

Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one made a misstep and fell to the ground.

The other leaned over and called: "Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"

"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.

"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."

"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."


4.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists,
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know
that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The
second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went
into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came
out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.


5.

The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.

"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you call Si Perkins a liar?"

"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly, but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, to get any response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for him."


6.

FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"

JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."


7.

MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was a little girl."

BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"


Have a horrible week end, folks ! This is NOT a joke!