Fun in the Air (飛行樂趣)

It used to be the case that traveling by air was a really big affair: the entire family and hordes of relatives would congregate at the airport departure hall and one wouldn't be allow to step into the immigration area until a dozen or so photographs to document the occasion had been taken. With de-regulation in the 1980's,  one can now get to the airport all alone wearing sports slacks and even flip flops on flights to all kinds of destinations at unbelievably cheap tickets bought on the internet from budget airlines. But there can be hitches for the unwary who don't bother to read the small prints of the incredibly long and boring ticket purchasing conditions. The following scenario is not entirely unlikely.
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Attendant: Welcome aboard A la Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket please?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: Sir, you're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But you can be damned sure that the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and... done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger:  What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger:  No way!

Attendant:  Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger:  Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant:  No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger:  Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant:  Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes, can I have a Coke please.

Attendant: Sure. There you are, sir, nice and cool. That'll be $5 please.

Passenger: This is robbery!  On second thought, I don't think I need it now.

Attendant: As you please, but that'll still be a charge for cancelling the order. That'll be just a mere $1 please.

Passenger: I can't believe this.

Attendant: But it's clearly written as part of the conditions of purchase of your ticket. OK. thank you, Is there anything else sir,

Passenger:  Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger:  The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant:  Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger:  I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant:  Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger:  But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger:  For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant:  Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

Have fun travelling.