Saturday Fun (週末趣味)

Movies are musts for me. See, I'm a what they call a film buff. But not only are films exciting, boring, uplifting, depressing, titillating....(add to taste), the people who work so hard or so little to produce and to make us fork out our cash or plastic can be sources of fun too.

1.  

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
"What happened?", he asks. 
One of the officer's says, "Well, it seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief... 
"My agent came to my house?"


2.

The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."
"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the agent says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

3.

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."
The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."
The Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This will be the greatest movie ever?"
St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. "Well," he says, "we do have one tiny little problem."
"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"
St. Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."

3.

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around.
It turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc.
The Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good.
Satan says, "Heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio."
The Director is confused. "Then what's the difference," he asks.
Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually 'make' movies."

4

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.
"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."
The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"
"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."
"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.
"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role."
"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.
"No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet."
"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.
"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert Goulet."
5.

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

6.

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory.
The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."
Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."
"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"
Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"
"Yes," says Morty.
"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."

7.
Question: What's the difference between the War in Iraq and the Star Wars prequels?
Answer: One outlines the manipulation of a corrupt, complacent democracy using a manufactured war to facilitate the rise in power of an evil, oppressive empire...
...and the other has lightsabers.

It's a nice sunny afternoon. Have take time to relax and have an enjoyable weekend.