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2010年10月9日 星期六

Saturday Morning Funtime

As on every weekend, I tried to find something light to write about. I went through my store of jokes sent me by my friends through the years. I was lucky. I came upon a set of jokes about the "joys" of "conjugal bliss," some perhaps written in blood and tears by the authors in between that  transient heaven when free from either.


The sentiments expressed in the jokes may sound uncannily familiar to some of you who are married. But I don't suppose there is very much they can do except to joke about it. The jokes came from famous TV and movie personalities or novelists. There is even one from a philosopher.  To some, perhaps it's may be a little difficult to tell nowadays if those distinctions really have any further meaning.  Without further ado, here they are:


 


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


                                                     Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin: they just can't face the other. 


                                                     Hermant Joshi


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


                                                     Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.


                                               Alexander Dumas


The great question ...which I have not been able to answer is..."What does a woman want"?


                                                                                                                                          Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


A man inserted an "ad" in a classified: "Wife wanted". The next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


                                               Anonymous


Some people ask me the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


You know what I did before I marrried? Anything I wanted to.


                                       Henry Youngman


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.


                                                                                                                                           Sam Kinison


There is a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called "marriage".


                                     James Holt McGavran


I have had luck with both wives. The first one left me. The second one didn't.


                                      Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2 whenever you're right, shut up.


                                                  Nash


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


                                           Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


                                           Milton Berle


First Guy (proudly):  My wife is an angel.


Second Guy:            You're lucky, mine is still alive!


                                                     Anonymous


Have a nice weekend.


 


9 則留言:






  1. 結0左婚好似咩都變咁喎.. 似兩面硬幣? 哈哈 妙   隻熊話更加似 準時交租租客同包租婆呀
    [版主回覆10/09/2010 08:59:00]I have a pretty good idea who the landlady would be in your case!. But there are lots of things that you can do to make it less like those unhappy souls who can only joke about it!
     

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  2. Thanks for your sharing today. It's refreshing! I also got my two cents sharing with all below :
     
    “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts” -Jeff Foxworthy
     

    "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -Groucho Marx
     


    “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson
     

    "A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
     


    “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown
     


    “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” -Rodney Dangerfield
     

    “Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.” -Minnie Pear
     

    "Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson
     


    “They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West
     

    “Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.” -H.L. Mencken
     

    "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor
     

    "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield
     



    “No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken
     

    “A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen
    [版主回覆10/09/2010 09:12:00]Some of your jokes are even better. I like this one best:
    A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor
    Ha ha!
    Thanks.

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  3. God created wives to remind the husbands to pay Him homage every minute by say “oh my God”.
    [版主回覆10/09/2010 11:17:00]I am obtuse. You mean what she utters when in bed with her legs flailing in the air?

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  4. Oh my God, I mistyped “saying” as “say”!
    Oh my God, Elzorror misinterpreted the meaning of my reply!
    Oh my God, how could I not become a philosopher with a wife on my right side and Elzorro on my left?
     
    [版主回覆10/09/2010 11:22:00]With what you have written, I'm sure heaven is not for you. But not to worry, you'll have company!

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  5. 精闢!但為何中國人似乎不會像外國人這樣談對marriage的看法?
    [版主回覆10/09/2010 13:20:00]I don't know. I suppose that's the influence of Confucius. We're all supposed to be solemn, serious and never frivolous. I don't think that Confucius knew what it means to really live as a "human being." All he is concerned with is to live as the "ideal gentleman"!

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  6. Hap2002hello,
    You've got me thinking. During lunch, I thought of a possible explanation. After  the " Master for 10,000 generations" finished making it with his wife, he joked with her about certain parts of her body. She retaliated with one of her own about a particular part of his. Thereafter, Confucius was a changed man! He regarded jokes as unworthy of the "ideal gentleman".  Pure speculation of course. But not entirely unlikely.

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  7. Peter,
    Didn't you learn in your F1. Baltimore cathechism about the First Commandment: "Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord God in vain".! You used it three times in quick succession! One each against the three persons of the Holy Trinity: "Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit". I feel sorry for God and for you!
    Of course, I'm not much better. So you know where both of us will end up eventually, don't you?

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  8. as long as how many couples in the world there will be how many style of  relationship....
    [版主回覆10/10/2010 19:43:00]I agree. Some married people are quite happy. But I guess most complain that they are not. Perhaps it's in the nature of human being to complain: they never seem to be happy with what they have; they only hanker after what they don't!

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  9. Elzorro,
    Maybe I should have expressed my regrets to god not with a capital letter G.
    Or maybe I should have said 阿彌陀佛 which I believe can be cited more liberally without the kind of serious consequence as you have mentioned .  
    My mouth is much looser than yours so I am not sure if I could meet you one day at the Pearly Gate. Anyway, “strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” But I will try to make an effort.
     
    Good night!
    [版主回覆10/10/2010 00:13:00]It doesn't help much! According to the Buddha, there must also be "good words".(口業)!  

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