Saturday Jokes

Just finished watching the opening of the London Olympics 2012. The computerised light display and music was simply amazing. The Olympics is now in the air. That reminds me of some jokes about the atmosphere over Beijing 4 years go. Here's one from David Letterman:

There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene. Now you think I'm
exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics
and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck.

And what about the 2012 London Olympics?

1

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks..

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


2.
 
The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will probably not participate in the London Olympic Games and when asked why, he says, "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

3.

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'
'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

4.

Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.


5.

The French, German, and Hungarian fencers are arguing over who is the best in their sport.

The Frenchman pulls out his foil: “I will show you all!” He targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to the ground, cut neatly in half.

The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the ground, its wings neatly removed.

Now it’s the Hungarian’s turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly, which flutters off, undisturbed.

The others laugh, but the Hungarian holds up his hands. “That fly,” he says, “will never procreate again.”

6.

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."


Now, have a fun weekend watching the Olympics.